overwhelmed, overstretched, but trying to live my best life.

The best years and times of your life are often the ones that are the most overwhelming. Personally I am someone that gets overwhelmed easily. The littlest things can overwhelm me and its a day by day thing that I deal with. Since that is something that I deal with and I am personally okay with dealing with on my own, no one knows that it goes on.

Being someone that is incredibly independent and has gone through depression, anxiety, has panic attacks and deals with it all on my own, I do not ask for help easily. So often in fact the only time I ask for help is when I’m at my rock bottom and cannot rely on myself anymore. Life is overwhelming me, and I cannot break the never ending cycle of self hate. Thankfully I have not had an episode like this in college (yet) but I’m trying to be some what proactive about it. In the same breathe I am someone that always wants to help and never says so to helping someone out. I’ve overstretched myself so many times in my life already that at this point it is a normal thing for me to do. I rarely say no to someone that needs help with anything from doing their hair and makeup or writing a paper for them on top of all of my papers. I guess you could say that I have a nurturing soul in that aspect.

Currently life and school are the most overwhelming things going on. More life than school. I don’t know how many people that read this blog have had or have parents that have been incredibly sick, but if you have or have had then you know that it is taxing. I avoid wanting to go home sometimes because I don’t like to face the reality that my dad is sick and not as strong as he used to be. A little background on my dad: he was born in the Philippines and came over when he was six years old and refused to speak English for a year because he wanted to go back and he was an airborne ranger, special forces in the army when he met my mom back in the 80’s. He’s a force whenever he walks into a room, so is my mom they are the definition of a power couple if you ask me. Granted my dad is about 5’6 he has the personality of someone that is 7’6. The force he has when is walks into a room is about the size of someone 7’6 so it works out well. My dad and I are basically the same person and due to that we clashed heads for so many years growing up, but eventually it evened out and now we just pick on each other about daily. Two summers ago he got insanely sick, that was the first time we almost lost him. There are certain days that us as humans can remember so vividly because of the significance that they have on us. That day is one that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. He was diagnosed with ulcerated colitis which in short the body thinks his colon is a foreign object and it is constantly trying to attack it and get rid of it. It was so bad that he got sepsis because his body was just so sick. He went into remission and was able to live with it pretty well. Then right before I left for school he got bad again. It started with bad shoulder pain and then leg pain. The day I moved into school the pain in his leg was so bad he couldn’t walk on it. I’ve never seen my dad in such pain ever in my life. I remember him telling me that he was going to move me in no matter what. He could barely walk up the stairs to my dorm room. Most parents were there all day move in day, but mine left once all of my stuff was in because he was in so much pain. That was Thursday. Saturday I went to work at my internship at Clemson University and my mom called me telling me that my dad was in emergency surgery to save his leg and ultimately his life. That was the fastest I’ve ever driven from Clemson to Greenville. I made the hour drive in 30 minutes. They were able to save my dad’s leg and remove the clot. Fast forward several weeks and my mom calls again saying my dad is having another emergency surgery because one of his incisions from the original surgery has infection. He’s currently there and watching him be in such pain is the worse pain I’ve ever experienced. My mom is wonder woman for sure.

Dealing with this is a huge reason on how I’m overwhelmed because I’m trying to make it seem that my life is fine and that everything is going okay when really it isn’t. At school I keep to myself because being someone that  deals with so much on my own anyways this is just another thing I throw onto the plate. So much piles on when dealing with this because being overwhelmed and stretched out too thin is a trigger with my anxiety and depression.

The whole point of this blog post is to show that, no, my life is not perfect. I do not have my life together. I try to be raw and real and open in these posts because I know that someone out that can relate to this is some sort of way and get hope from it. These times that we feel that we are drowning we are just one step closer to floating. At the time we don’t believe that, that is something that actually can make sense, but trust me it is. The dark times make the brighter ones so much brighter and joyous. Whatever is going on will get better, you deserve to see tomorrow just as much as the next person, God has a plan that is far greater than our vision can see, and if you think that you are alone ever just remember you’re not.

For the girls that wear their hearts on their sleeves

This is for all of the girls that wear their hearts on their sleeves. They are the girls that love deeper and harder than most. She is the girl that wants to be loved and goes her whole life trying to find it. It’s the girl that takes every date and every guy that talks to her on a romantic level very seriously. She dreams of marriage and children one day with the love of her life. She cries because she cares and she cries harder when her heart is broken. They are the girls that you make fun of for day dreaming a life with that one guy that shes in love with. That girl is me and so many other girls.

Growing up being so sensitive and just wanting acceptance and love was and still is hard. Dealing with a heartbreak currently in my chapter of life only has added to it. I thought for once I had found that love that I have longed for, for so long, but I was wrong. So wrong in fact that everyone I have talked to about it tells me that I don’t deserve the hand that I was dealt, but it’s something that I love and is someone that I truly still love. When you have your “heart on you sleeve” you dream of finding the one. Or at least I do about everyday. I thought I had found that love and am still devastated that it’s over. That’s life though and that’s how it is for someone as sensitive as I am. When I say I’m sensitive it’s to the extent of if I just so happen as to see a picture of a sloth (my ABSOLUTE favorite animal) I will burst into tears because I love them that much.

I digress.

Being so emotionally sensitive my whole life has shaped me into the woman that I am today. I only say that because the things that I am taking on right now in this stage of my life are things that I never would’ve thought I would have done. I never thought I would have even been in this spot in my life. More on that topic in a later post! Wearing my heart on my sleeve is what makes me who I am. Of course I’m over sensitive, over protective, guarded, but I’m also who God made me to be. He would not have crafted me with my heart on my sleeve if he did not think that I can handle it. I question him sometimes as to why he thought that I was strong enough to take it on, but his plan is divine and holy and we shouldn’t question it. The events and people that he puts in our lives are all apart of his plan and it’s something that I love and am so grateful for.