long time no post…

It has been a while. So much living has happened since the last time that I have posted and trust me there have been great times and times that have been done right awful.

I haven’t posted in a while because I honestly thought, “who would want to hear my nonsense,” but then I started this blog knowing that someone out there might be going through something similar. Thus, here we are. Posting for the first time in forever. *que the Frozen song*

In all seriousness, I finished my first semester of college and learned on my check out day that I would be either getting my own room next semester, or a new roommate. It wasn’t a pleasant surprise at all trust me so don’t think that I’m “soooo” lucky because it hurt, but I’m thinking of more positives in my life. I tell you this because it made me want to be better than I ever thought prior.

The one thing that I have come out of the semester with is knowing that I am going to go into next semester proving everyone that doubts me right now wrong. I know I’m stronger than I and A LOT of people think. Having people to prove wrong only makes me want to strive harder and work harder to make myself mentally, physically, and emotionally healthier. Honestly, I think that makes so many people that are in a similar spot like me want to work harder and strive more. Once you have people that think you’re going to fail, or are jealous of you and are trying to make you fail; you only want to work harder. You will always have people that don’t want you to achieve anything and only want you to fail and you HAVE to prove them wrong. You’re stronger that you think you are. I’m stronger than I think I am. We’re ALL stronger than we think we are.

It’s easy to think this and understand it, but actually believing it and trusting it is a totally different story. I know that it’s hard to understand why it feels like life is just picking on you to destroy at the time, but once you get through it you’re stronger. Sometimes you realize that the people you thought were going to be there for you and are your “person” actually aren’t, and that’s okay. The best advice I’ve ever been given is that, “no one can take away your education and the support that you have for yourself.”

Education is something that I love. So much in fact I’m getting a degree to teach little ones in the future. Making an impact at a young age is monumental and honestly helps understanding that you can always depend on yourself. You can because you have knowledge that no one can take away from you. At the end of the day your significant other, friends, roommates, anyone might not be there but you’re always going to be there for yourself.

This month I have off for Christmas is going to be a time of reflection and growth. I’m going to be a better person going back to college than I was when I left it. Having this goal is something that will easily change my life. It’ll be hard, but in the end I’ll thank myself for it. Life’s hard, but you’re stronger than you think.

overwhelmed, overstretched, but trying to live my best life.

The best years and times of your life are often the ones that are the most overwhelming. Personally I am someone that gets overwhelmed easily. The littlest things can overwhelm me and its a day by day thing that I deal with. Since that is something that I deal with and I am personally okay with dealing with on my own, no one knows that it goes on.

Being someone that is incredibly independent and has gone through depression, anxiety, has panic attacks and deals with it all on my own, I do not ask for help easily. So often in fact the only time I ask for help is when I’m at my rock bottom and cannot rely on myself anymore. Life is overwhelming me, and I cannot break the never ending cycle of self hate. Thankfully I have not had an episode like this in college (yet) but I’m trying to be some what proactive about it. In the same breathe I am someone that always wants to help and never says so to helping someone out. I’ve overstretched myself so many times in my life already that at this point it is a normal thing for me to do. I rarely say no to someone that needs help with anything from doing their hair and makeup or writing a paper for them on top of all of my papers. I guess you could say that I have a nurturing soul in that aspect.

Currently life and school are the most overwhelming things going on. More life than school. I don’t know how many people that read this blog have had or have parents that have been incredibly sick, but if you have or have had then you know that it is taxing. I avoid wanting to go home sometimes because I don’t like to face the reality that my dad is sick and not as strong as he used to be. A little background on my dad: he was born in the Philippines and came over when he was six years old and refused to speak English for a year because he wanted to go back and he was an airborne ranger, special forces in the army when he met my mom back in the 80’s. He’s a force whenever he walks into a room, so is my mom they are the definition of a power couple if you ask me. Granted my dad is about 5’6 he has the personality of someone that is 7’6. The force he has when is walks into a room is about the size of someone 7’6 so it works out well. My dad and I are basically the same person and due to that we clashed heads for so many years growing up, but eventually it evened out and now we just pick on each other about daily. Two summers ago he got insanely sick, that was the first time we almost lost him. There are certain days that us as humans can remember so vividly because of the significance that they have on us. That day is one that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. He was diagnosed with ulcerated colitis which in short the body thinks his colon is a foreign object and it is constantly trying to attack it and get rid of it. It was so bad that he got sepsis because his body was just so sick. He went into remission and was able to live with it pretty well. Then right before I left for school he got bad again. It started with bad shoulder pain and then leg pain. The day I moved into school the pain in his leg was so bad he couldn’t walk on it. I’ve never seen my dad in such pain ever in my life. I remember him telling me that he was going to move me in no matter what. He could barely walk up the stairs to my dorm room. Most parents were there all day move in day, but mine left once all of my stuff was in because he was in so much pain. That was Thursday. Saturday I went to work at my internship at Clemson University and my mom called me telling me that my dad was in emergency surgery to save his leg and ultimately his life. That was the fastest I’ve ever driven from Clemson to Greenville. I made the hour drive in 30 minutes. They were able to save my dad’s leg and remove the clot. Fast forward several weeks and my mom calls again saying my dad is having another emergency surgery because one of his incisions from the original surgery has infection. He’s currently there and watching him be in such pain is the worse pain I’ve ever experienced. My mom is wonder woman for sure.

Dealing with this is a huge reason on how I’m overwhelmed because I’m trying to make it seem that my life is fine and that everything is going okay when really it isn’t. At school I keep to myself because being someone that  deals with so much on my own anyways this is just another thing I throw onto the plate. So much piles on when dealing with this because being overwhelmed and stretched out too thin is a trigger with my anxiety and depression.

The whole point of this blog post is to show that, no, my life is not perfect. I do not have my life together. I try to be raw and real and open in these posts because I know that someone out that can relate to this is some sort of way and get hope from it. These times that we feel that we are drowning we are just one step closer to floating. At the time we don’t believe that, that is something that actually can make sense, but trust me it is. The dark times make the brighter ones so much brighter and joyous. Whatever is going on will get better, you deserve to see tomorrow just as much as the next person, God has a plan that is far greater than our vision can see, and if you think that you are alone ever just remember you’re not.

For the girls that wear their hearts on their sleeves

This is for all of the girls that wear their hearts on their sleeves. They are the girls that love deeper and harder than most. She is the girl that wants to be loved and goes her whole life trying to find it. It’s the girl that takes every date and every guy that talks to her on a romantic level very seriously. She dreams of marriage and children one day with the love of her life. She cries because she cares and she cries harder when her heart is broken. They are the girls that you make fun of for day dreaming a life with that one guy that shes in love with. That girl is me and so many other girls.

Growing up being so sensitive and just wanting acceptance and love was and still is hard. Dealing with a heartbreak currently in my chapter of life only has added to it. I thought for once I had found that love that I have longed for, for so long, but I was wrong. So wrong in fact that everyone I have talked to about it tells me that I don’t deserve the hand that I was dealt, but it’s something that I love and is someone that I truly still love. When you have your “heart on you sleeve” you dream of finding the one. Or at least I do about everyday. I thought I had found that love and am still devastated that it’s over. That’s life though and that’s how it is for someone as sensitive as I am. When I say I’m sensitive it’s to the extent of if I just so happen as to see a picture of a sloth (my ABSOLUTE favorite animal) I will burst into tears because I love them that much.

I digress.

Being so emotionally sensitive my whole life has shaped me into the woman that I am today. I only say that because the things that I am taking on right now in this stage of my life are things that I never would’ve thought I would have done. I never thought I would have even been in this spot in my life. More on that topic in a later post! Wearing my heart on my sleeve is what makes me who I am. Of course I’m over sensitive, over protective, guarded, but I’m also who God made me to be. He would not have crafted me with my heart on my sleeve if he did not think that I can handle it. I question him sometimes as to why he thought that I was strong enough to take it on, but his plan is divine and holy and we shouldn’t question it. The events and people that he puts in our lives are all apart of his plan and it’s something that I love and am so grateful for.

The Demons In Your Closet

The demons in your closet that hide and lurk in the shadows. They represent your past. The scary the bad and the down right ugly. They stay there and haunt you in a way that ruin everything good in your life. They love to watch you fail and when you hurt they thrive. Recently my demons in my closet have come out into full view. With recent events in life the demons that I’ve hidden for so long have come and proved themselves right again. They’ve made me push away the one I love and made me lose them forever. You see the issue that we never seem to get past is that these demons are a part of you, but you try to hide them and want them to go away, but the only way that they can leave is if you speak about them and shed light on the things that hurt and bother you. Having them lurk in the shadows of your life constantly can ruin you as a human being. You have one life and you need to live it to the fullest in every way possible. We all have these demons some worse than others, but they’re always with us. They’ve shaped us into the people that we are. Personally mine have shaped me into someone that pushes everyone away. Once I begin to feel close and know that I can depend on someone I push them away and want them to leave. Then they do leave and I realize I never wanted this to happen. I never want to push the ones I love away, but I still manage to do so in some way. Is the wrong of me to do? No. Is it healthy for me or anyone to do? No. Is it something that can change over night? No. Can you make this better? Yes. The only way to make this better is that you have to confront them and take them head on. Don’t let them hold you back. History won’t repeat itself if you don’t let it. Answer questions, keep your temper neutral, pray hard, love even harder. Don’t let the demons in your closet hold you back. Take them head on and show them you can take them on and will.