Alone

I feel alone even when I am in a crowded place. I feel most alone when I’m trying to rid the feeling. Feeling alone is something that I’ve always tried to run away from, but once I think I’m free it comes back. I feel alone all the time especially since the one I love left. He left abruptly and suddenly. I still can’t seem to wrap my head around this fact that haunts me in my dreams. I don’t dream a lot when I sleep, but I have since that night. I have in the sense that I know that I am alone. I know I am alone and I cannot bear to deal with it. I deal with it in strange ways, but even they cannot mask the pain I feel. The feeling creeps up like a predator, but you can’t run or scream loud enough to alarm someone. The screams are tears that I silently let out at night and in the shower. I put makeup on my face so that when I cry during the day I will not let it happen because I spent to long trying to make myself feel good about myself. I cry over you daily. It’s become such a routine to wake early and cry myself back to sleep. The stuffed animal you won me is soaked most nights in my tears. I hate sleeping because I relive the night when my fears caught up with me over and over again in my dreams. I hate sleeping because the alone feeling is real and is an actual person. He loves seeing me cry and that love is what I crave. I crave it in a way that I cannot describe. I feel like someone took my heart out of my chest and I’m searching for it. Being alone means I’m further and further away from finding it. I’m so far away now that I’m trying to make a normal life out of it. I used to want to be alone and was fine with it which stems from my independence that I like to think I want. If I’m being honest; being alone terrifies me, but is here everyday. I’m shocked that my body hasn’t run out of tears at this point, but I guess I’m blessed with that. The alone feeling makes me feel sick at the thought of food or even drinking water. So, I’m losing more hair than normal and I use the word “lethargic” as much as I used to say “I’m good.” I’ve begun to run to the alone feeling. It’s my shelter now. I run to it every time I think of you. That’s why I try to fight so bad. This feeling was one that I thought went away, but really it wanted to come back and it did and it will not leave this time. He wants to stay and I can never say no so he is. I want him gone in the way that maybe if he is gone you’ll come back. I keep thinking you will come back, but I really know you won’t. Big college girls and big college life will take what little bit I still have of you away for good. Then just as fast as you broke my heart, I’ll be a faint memory for you. The feeling of being alone will win and consume my life in college. He’ll make me feel insanely overwhelmed with the slightest things and love it. He’ll love it in the sense that I will not be able to come out of it and never find “love” again.

 

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