long time no post…

It has been a while. So much living has happened since the last time that I have posted and trust me there have been great times and times that have been done right awful.

I haven’t posted in a while because I honestly thought, “who would want to hear my nonsense,” but then I started this blog knowing that someone out there might be going through something similar. Thus, here we are. Posting for the first time in forever. *que the Frozen song*

In all seriousness, I finished my first semester of college and learned on my check out day that I would be either getting my own room next semester, or a new roommate. It wasn’t a pleasant surprise at all trust me so don’t think that I’m “soooo” lucky because it hurt, but I’m thinking of more positives in my life. I tell you this because it made me want to be better than I ever thought prior.

The one thing that I have come out of the semester with is knowing that I am going to go into next semester proving everyone that doubts me right now wrong. I know I’m stronger than I and A LOT of people think. Having people to prove wrong only makes me want to strive harder and work harder to make myself mentally, physically, and emotionally healthier. Honestly, I think that makes so many people that are in a similar spot like me want to work harder and strive more. Once you have people that think you’re going to fail, or are jealous of you and are trying to make you fail; you only want to work harder. You will always have people that don’t want you to achieve anything and only want you to fail and you HAVE to prove them wrong. You’re stronger that you think you are. I’m stronger than I think I am. We’re ALL stronger than we think we are.

It’s easy to think this and understand it, but actually believing it and trusting it is a totally different story. I know that it’s hard to understand why it feels like life is just picking on you to destroy at the time, but once you get through it you’re stronger. Sometimes you realize that the people you thought were going to be there for you and are your “person” actually aren’t, and that’s okay. The best advice I’ve ever been given is that, “no one can take away your education and the support that you have for yourself.”

Education is something that I love. So much in fact I’m getting a degree to teach little ones in the future. Making an impact at a young age is monumental and honestly helps understanding that you can always depend on yourself. You can because you have knowledge that no one can take away from you. At the end of the day your significant other, friends, roommates, anyone might not be there but you’re always going to be there for yourself.

This month I have off for Christmas is going to be a time of reflection and growth. I’m going to be a better person going back to college than I was when I left it. Having this goal is something that will easily change my life. It’ll be hard, but in the end I’ll thank myself for it. Life’s hard, but you’re stronger than you think.

overwhelmed, overstretched, but trying to live my best life.

The best years and times of your life are often the ones that are the most overwhelming. Personally I am someone that gets overwhelmed easily. The littlest things can overwhelm me and its a day by day thing that I deal with. Since that is something that I deal with and I am personally okay with dealing with on my own, no one knows that it goes on.

Being someone that is incredibly independent and has gone through depression, anxiety, has panic attacks and deals with it all on my own, I do not ask for help easily. So often in fact the only time I ask for help is when I’m at my rock bottom and cannot rely on myself anymore. Life is overwhelming me, and I cannot break the never ending cycle of self hate. Thankfully I have not had an episode like this in college (yet) but I’m trying to be some what proactive about it. In the same breathe I am someone that always wants to help and never says so to helping someone out. I’ve overstretched myself so many times in my life already that at this point it is a normal thing for me to do. I rarely say no to someone that needs help with anything from doing their hair and makeup or writing a paper for them on top of all of my papers. I guess you could say that I have a nurturing soul in that aspect.

Currently life and school are the most overwhelming things going on. More life than school. I don’t know how many people that read this blog have had or have parents that have been incredibly sick, but if you have or have had then you know that it is taxing. I avoid wanting to go home sometimes because I don’t like to face the reality that my dad is sick and not as strong as he used to be. A little background on my dad: he was born in the Philippines and came over when he was six years old and refused to speak English for a year because he wanted to go back and he was an airborne ranger, special forces in the army when he met my mom back in the 80’s. He’s a force whenever he walks into a room, so is my mom they are the definition of a power couple if you ask me. Granted my dad is about 5’6 he has the personality of someone that is 7’6. The force he has when is walks into a room is about the size of someone 7’6 so it works out well. My dad and I are basically the same person and due to that we clashed heads for so many years growing up, but eventually it evened out and now we just pick on each other about daily. Two summers ago he got insanely sick, that was the first time we almost lost him. There are certain days that us as humans can remember so vividly because of the significance that they have on us. That day is one that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. He was diagnosed with ulcerated colitis which in short the body thinks his colon is a foreign object and it is constantly trying to attack it and get rid of it. It was so bad that he got sepsis because his body was just so sick. He went into remission and was able to live with it pretty well. Then right before I left for school he got bad again. It started with bad shoulder pain and then leg pain. The day I moved into school the pain in his leg was so bad he couldn’t walk on it. I’ve never seen my dad in such pain ever in my life. I remember him telling me that he was going to move me in no matter what. He could barely walk up the stairs to my dorm room. Most parents were there all day move in day, but mine left once all of my stuff was in because he was in so much pain. That was Thursday. Saturday I went to work at my internship at Clemson University and my mom called me telling me that my dad was in emergency surgery to save his leg and ultimately his life. That was the fastest I’ve ever driven from Clemson to Greenville. I made the hour drive in 30 minutes. They were able to save my dad’s leg and remove the clot. Fast forward several weeks and my mom calls again saying my dad is having another emergency surgery because one of his incisions from the original surgery has infection. He’s currently there and watching him be in such pain is the worse pain I’ve ever experienced. My mom is wonder woman for sure.

Dealing with this is a huge reason on how I’m overwhelmed because I’m trying to make it seem that my life is fine and that everything is going okay when really it isn’t. At school I keep to myself because being someone that  deals with so much on my own anyways this is just another thing I throw onto the plate. So much piles on when dealing with this because being overwhelmed and stretched out too thin is a trigger with my anxiety and depression.

The whole point of this blog post is to show that, no, my life is not perfect. I do not have my life together. I try to be raw and real and open in these posts because I know that someone out that can relate to this is some sort of way and get hope from it. These times that we feel that we are drowning we are just one step closer to floating. At the time we don’t believe that, that is something that actually can make sense, but trust me it is. The dark times make the brighter ones so much brighter and joyous. Whatever is going on will get better, you deserve to see tomorrow just as much as the next person, God has a plan that is far greater than our vision can see, and if you think that you are alone ever just remember you’re not.

It’s Not What Ya Think

Whenever most people imagine going into college you think it is all just one party. Then you actually get there and it seems like it is one. Then you start class and wake up for your first 8 a.m. and realize that heck no this sucks. College is one of those things that is difficult to explain. You’re having the best time of your life at this moment, but you also want to quit all in the same breathe. (if someone can put this into a mood lmk!) At the same time I wouldn’t want to change anything that currently has happened to me, and that says a lot. In my last post that was the first segment in my college life series you kind of understand why I say that its crazy that I wouldn’t want anything that has happened to change. Everything happens for a reason and that’s what you have to remind yourself of constantly.

Everything happens on God’s timing and his timing is graceful.

Thinking about it I am constantly amazed. All the hardships and growing that has already happened have shaped me in a way that I am so grateful for. Having to adult for the first time in my life all while balancing school is a scary and awesome thing. (laundry day really sucks) It’s fun going out with your friends on drives late at night and laughing with your roommate at 1 a.m. The memories that I’ve made already are amazing and there are only going to be more. College is great, but not for the faint of heart. Don’t over think everything that happens. If I over thought everything that has happened thus far I would’ve dropped out and been out of a first semester of tuition. You have to realize that relationships come and go and the ones that go are for the best. I have to remind myself of this daily. If you cannot think that every relationship that ends is for a reason then you will go crazy. I’ve wasted so many tears over someone that will never blink one in my direction and that’s okay. (holla at my roommate for holding me while I cry under my bed) You have to be strong and you have to love yourself more so that you don’t waste time and tears over these people. You just have to be extremely strong throughout everything.

College

August 17, 2017 I began the next HUGE  chapter of my life; moving into college. With this I decided that I could make a blog series intertwined with my other life posts just about my experiences in college. This is from the perspective of an eighteen year old grandma I would like to say. I’m not really into parties. I like a good time, but not like everyone else apparently. My first week of college was nothing like I had ever imagined it would be like. We began our freshman welcome weekend that was a mandatory event for all incoming freshmen. During this time my internship at Clemson University was beginning so I had to leave one day to go do interviews. During this time my family life was thrown for a loop. My mom called and said that my dad was in emergency surgery to save his life. Nothing in this world can ever prepare anyone for that statement coming from your mom’s mouth. I was in Clemson when she told me and she was in Greenville. It was the longest 45 minute drive of my life. God was on my side during that because even though I was going 20-30 mph over the speed limit and passed not one but two state troopers I did not get pulled over once. So here I was at Greenville Memorial Hospital in a sundress, hair a mess, and makeup cried off with my mom and my nana waiting. Waiting was the worse part about this whole experience. We had no idea what was going on. The surgery was supposed to take up to an hour and a half, but two and a half hours later we were still waiting for him to be done. During this time I called my roommate sobbing, my best friends sobbing, and sobbed with my mom who was trying to be positive during this whole event. I learned while I was waiting that they had to restart my dad’s heart in my driveway at home because it was going over 200 bpm. They were not only trying to save his life but also his leg. Here is my dad someone that fought for our country, guarded the Berlin Wall, tested parachutes, fell into trees because the parachutes failed, airborne ranger and special forced trained, laying in a hospital bed with death staring him in the face again. The emotions that I felt in this moment are some that I hope not even my worst enemy will ever have to face. I felt so alone. I had my mom and had the love of other family members and friends, but still I felt alone. My dad could die. He could have died if the blood clot went a different way. That’s something that stays with you forever. He made it out of surgery and it went well, but for three days we still had no idea if he would be able to keep his leg. I went back to school on Saturday and came back up to Greenville Sunday night and stayed until my mom basically made me go back late Monday night because classes started Tuesday. I face timed my mom all the time and in between classes called her. My dad went home on Thursday. I had officially been moved into college a week by that point and so much had happened. I started classes on the Tuesday and love every one of them, except for the fact that my English professor confused me all during her class. I met all of the sororities at Newberry and got so excited for rush to begin. I also had to deal with officially closing, locking, and throwing away the key to a relationship that is the definition of toxic. I learned that I need to become a priority in not only my life but in the life of any significant other I have. I need to be a higher priority than the next move. In the words of my best friend, “God handmade someone for you, but he can’t give them to you if you’re wasting time on the wrong one.” This is something that basically EVERYONE has been telling me for months, but I think you just need your bestest friend in the world to tell you for it to actually mean something. God created this life of mine to be full on trials and errors, heartbreaks and love, times of highs and lows, but one full of his grace. I can easily say that I had some choice words with him on my way from Clemson to home to see my dad, but in the end he is a loving father that provides for us in ways that are unimaginable. The blessings that he has given me even when I’ve thought he wasn’t even listening are some that I’ve needed for years. If anything during my first week of college I’ve learned that you need to pray a lot more then you think you actually think you need to.

Change

Ten days from now I will have completely moved into college. To think about leaving my home that I’ve grown accustomed to, my family (mainly my mom), Greenville where I’ve spent my whole life at, and so many other things is something that terrifies and excites me all at the same time. My last few blog posts have been about things in my life that have brought on sadness and heartbreak, but in this one I want to discuss how all of those event have helped prepare for this change in my life that is beginning to happen.

Yesterday my mom stood with my in the kitchen and cried because I move into school a week from Thursday. It hasn’t quite hit me yet that I am moving into college in a very short amount of time. I am about to move 45 minutes away knowing only a few people to become a high school biology teacher. This is the most exciting and most terrifying time in my life hands down. I’ve been thrown so many curve balls this summer. So many that have shaped me into a better person. All of them have definitely been thrown by God because he has so much to show me these next four years. I’ve realized that he has only done these things and taken these people away from me because it is better for me in the long run. I do not understand his thinking still, but I just have to trust the plan.

Change is something that happens to everyone and it helps you remember that you’re still living. A big change in my life is my want to live day in and day out now. I have had so many moments this summer and throughout high school that I did not have that will. They’re scary times that have not shown their ugly faces as I approach moving into college. The thoughts I face are triggered by stress and anxiety, and this time is full of that let me tell you. This is how I know God is behind every square inch of this time. The people he has removed, relationships he has ended, friendships he has created are all is his will and according to his plan. If I have learned only one thing this summer it has been that you have to trust the plan. You cannot force something that God doesn’t want for you. He is guiding all of the change in my life in such a graceful way.

God loves us in a way that we can sometimes resent and hate him for. When he ends a relationship its for a reason. Some times he will even have someone do something that will make you want to end said relationship in an unspoken way. Going into school I have a clean slate. I have no regrets from my summer, granted I worked the whole time, I only have lessons that I have been taught to keep with me. God’s grace is overwhelming and one that we can forget to look at if we do not think about it. I am excited for once in my life for change. This change is the newest chapter of my life. It is one that is about to open so many doors that I will not even be able to comprehend it all. I cannot wait for it either. Newberry College will open hundreds of doors, but I am interning at Clemson University on the Game Day Show that they have for football. That is going to open even more doors. I couldn’t experience any of this change without God’s help so I only have him to thank forever and ever.

 

If you feel any of the feelings that I described in here or any of my other posts talk to someone because it is worth it to live trust me.

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Alone

I feel alone even when I am in a crowded place. I feel most alone when I’m trying to rid the feeling. Feeling alone is something that I’ve always tried to run away from, but once I think I’m free it comes back. I feel alone all the time especially since the one I love left. He left abruptly and suddenly. I still can’t seem to wrap my head around this fact that haunts me in my dreams. I don’t dream a lot when I sleep, but I have since that night. I have in the sense that I know that I am alone. I know I am alone and I cannot bear to deal with it. I deal with it in strange ways, but even they cannot mask the pain I feel. The feeling creeps up like a predator, but you can’t run or scream loud enough to alarm someone. The screams are tears that I silently let out at night and in the shower. I put makeup on my face so that when I cry during the day I will not let it happen because I spent to long trying to make myself feel good about myself. I cry over you daily. It’s become such a routine to wake early and cry myself back to sleep. The stuffed animal you won me is soaked most nights in my tears. I hate sleeping because I relive the night when my fears caught up with me over and over again in my dreams. I hate sleeping because the alone feeling is real and is an actual person. He loves seeing me cry and that love is what I crave. I crave it in a way that I cannot describe. I feel like someone took my heart out of my chest and I’m searching for it. Being alone means I’m further and further away from finding it. I’m so far away now that I’m trying to make a normal life out of it. I used to want to be alone and was fine with it which stems from my independence that I like to think I want. If I’m being honest; being alone terrifies me, but is here everyday. I’m shocked that my body hasn’t run out of tears at this point, but I guess I’m blessed with that. The alone feeling makes me feel sick at the thought of food or even drinking water. So, I’m losing more hair than normal and I use the word “lethargic” as much as I used to say “I’m good.” I’ve begun to run to the alone feeling. It’s my shelter now. I run to it every time I think of you. That’s why I try to fight so bad. This feeling was one that I thought went away, but really it wanted to come back and it did and it will not leave this time. He wants to stay and I can never say no so he is. I want him gone in the way that maybe if he is gone you’ll come back. I keep thinking you will come back, but I really know you won’t. Big college girls and big college life will take what little bit I still have of you away for good. Then just as fast as you broke my heart, I’ll be a faint memory for you. The feeling of being alone will win and consume my life in college. He’ll make me feel insanely overwhelmed with the slightest things and love it. He’ll love it in the sense that I will not be able to come out of it and never find “love” again.

 

For the girls that wear their hearts on their sleeves

This is for all of the girls that wear their hearts on their sleeves. They are the girls that love deeper and harder than most. She is the girl that wants to be loved and goes her whole life trying to find it. It’s the girl that takes every date and every guy that talks to her on a romantic level very seriously. She dreams of marriage and children one day with the love of her life. She cries because she cares and she cries harder when her heart is broken. They are the girls that you make fun of for day dreaming a life with that one guy that shes in love with. That girl is me and so many other girls.

Growing up being so sensitive and just wanting acceptance and love was and still is hard. Dealing with a heartbreak currently in my chapter of life only has added to it. I thought for once I had found that love that I have longed for, for so long, but I was wrong. So wrong in fact that everyone I have talked to about it tells me that I don’t deserve the hand that I was dealt, but it’s something that I love and is someone that I truly still love. When you have your “heart on you sleeve” you dream of finding the one. Or at least I do about everyday. I thought I had found that love and am still devastated that it’s over. That’s life though and that’s how it is for someone as sensitive as I am. When I say I’m sensitive it’s to the extent of if I just so happen as to see a picture of a sloth (my ABSOLUTE favorite animal) I will burst into tears because I love them that much.

I digress.

Being so emotionally sensitive my whole life has shaped me into the woman that I am today. I only say that because the things that I am taking on right now in this stage of my life are things that I never would’ve thought I would have done. I never thought I would have even been in this spot in my life. More on that topic in a later post! Wearing my heart on my sleeve is what makes me who I am. Of course I’m over sensitive, over protective, guarded, but I’m also who God made me to be. He would not have crafted me with my heart on my sleeve if he did not think that I can handle it. I question him sometimes as to why he thought that I was strong enough to take it on, but his plan is divine and holy and we shouldn’t question it. The events and people that he puts in our lives are all apart of his plan and it’s something that I love and am so grateful for.

Trusting His Plan

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” -Proverbs 16:3

 

Truly life has been truly the craziest roller coaster ride of my life these past few months, and honestly I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Coming from someone who hates change and roller coasters that’s a lot for me to say, but let me explain why. Change has always been something that I have hidden from. So much in fact that I’m not the first to try something amazing and I’ll stay in horrible relationships that ruin me as a person just to avoid change. I’m a firm believer in the fact that God puts events and people in and out of your life for a reason. That reason can be either good or bad, but you never know until you take a leap of faith and go for it. Trusting in his plan is something that you have to just believe in. You cannot go into it doubtful and thinking it is a waste of your time and will get you no where in life. He takes people in and out of your life in a way that you may feel that a part of you is missing, but with that you realize what you need to change in your life. What you need to do to truly make yourself happy. He has put change into my life in a way that continually keeps me guessing. I never know what to expect and his plan is always good. Of course I get mad and angry at God especially right now in fact that I feel he is punishing me, but in fact he isn’t. He is gifting me and teaching me that patience is something that I need to work on. Trust me I’ve realized that I need to work on it and I am ever so grateful that he is putting me through this challenge currently in life. God’s plan is something that has changed my plans so many times and it is something that continually gifts me with so much. If you get anything out of this blog post I hope that you just know that whatever is challenging you currently is in God’s plan. Pray for peace and courage to face whatever is in the next door that opens for you. Take it from me his plan is amazing; it has amazing rewards, helps you grow stronger in your faith, and helps you discover who you truly are.

 

If you want to talk more about this topic, have ideas for any of my next posts, just need to talk to someone different, or suggestions contact me on my social media (linked on home page) 

 

The Demons In Your Closet

The demons in your closet that hide and lurk in the shadows. They represent your past. The scary the bad and the down right ugly. They stay there and haunt you in a way that ruin everything good in your life. They love to watch you fail and when you hurt they thrive. Recently my demons in my closet have come out into full view. With recent events in life the demons that I’ve hidden for so long have come and proved themselves right again. They’ve made me push away the one I love and made me lose them forever. You see the issue that we never seem to get past is that these demons are a part of you, but you try to hide them and want them to go away, but the only way that they can leave is if you speak about them and shed light on the things that hurt and bother you. Having them lurk in the shadows of your life constantly can ruin you as a human being. You have one life and you need to live it to the fullest in every way possible. We all have these demons some worse than others, but they’re always with us. They’ve shaped us into the people that we are. Personally mine have shaped me into someone that pushes everyone away. Once I begin to feel close and know that I can depend on someone I push them away and want them to leave. Then they do leave and I realize I never wanted this to happen. I never want to push the ones I love away, but I still manage to do so in some way. Is the wrong of me to do? No. Is it healthy for me or anyone to do? No. Is it something that can change over night? No. Can you make this better? Yes. The only way to make this better is that you have to confront them and take them head on. Don’t let them hold you back. History won’t repeat itself if you don’t let it. Answer questions, keep your temper neutral, pray hard, love even harder. Don’t let the demons in your closet hold you back. Take them head on and show them you can take them on and will.